Sometimes I go through every picture on an acquaintance’s facebook and wonder why they always have to look like fuck shit.
Here are some tips, shit ass:
Stop cutting your own hair. In my opinion, if you’re going to have an asymmetrical haircut, make sure the short side would look good if it were on the other side of your berserk head too. Generally speaking, you need a professional to do this. If not, find a bitch in cosmetology school, she knows more than you do.
Take a fucking bath.
Wash your clothes.
In fact, stop getting clothes exclusively from Goodwill. I’m not anti-thrift, but for fuck’s sake. Holes and stains in your shirt? Live on the street. There’s an open space in the shade of the dumpster now, Szechuan moved his tent behind the old abandoned theme park.
Furthermore, I can’t believe this bitch is getting fucked regularly. Gives me hope since I wash my ass at least.
I tried hard to like you but I think what’s really limiting my capacity to enjoy what you might have to offer is the first two minutes you spend utilizing a vanilla ass beat to inflict cochlear torture upon me.
I get it. Boom-tah. Boom-tah.
I heard you the first six times, you’re gonna go for four thousand more?
You know you have literally the best goddamn friend on this earth when, upon hearing the states of your finances and emotions, she, in one fell swoop, gives you weed, offers to loan you $100, and takes the keys to your apartment so that she can put groceries in your home while you are at work.
Not to mention your other friend who offered to “spot you a couple hundred, too”.
I don’t fuckin’ need mother teresa, all my friends is mother teresa